Self-Preservation

DeAnna Willman photo marekstudzinski@unsplash

“Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed for I AM your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you by my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Several years back, my husband and I became houseparents at a Christian children’s home. There we saw all manner of children operating out of woundedness. These were children who were taken from their parents and placed in the home by a court of law; children who were placed during a parent’s incarceration; children whose parents were neglectful and other relatives had placed them in the home; children whose parents didn’t want to do the work of parenting. You can imagine the pain each of these children carried.

The common behavior in each one was self-preservation. They had to act, think, or speak in a certain, dysfunctional and unrighteous manner in order to survive before they came to be in the children’s home. However, simply being in a safe and caring place did not eliminate the ingrained behavior and belief of self-preservation. One such example was a couple of siblings we had at the home. The oldest was 7 and the younger was 5. In their biological home the older sister was forced to care for and be responsible for the younger sister. When the younger child was upset or had a need that inconvenienced the single mother who was strung out on drugs, the older sister was punished for it. The older sister learned to lie and falsely blame other people or circumstances to escape punishment from mother.

This habit of self-preservation was necessary for her survival in the home of her mother. She learned that no one cared for or would protect her. She had to rely upon her own wits and actions to protect herself. In the children’s home she was safe, cared for, acknowledged, included, and loved. There were adults there who would protect and care for her. Yet, the behavior continued. No matter how many times we talked to her about lying and honesty, how she didn’t need to lie, didn’t need to blame others or tattle on others to be safe, the behavior remained. It was a permanent part of her non-conscious that she had to protect herself in every situation. No one could be trusted. But, in this new environment, her behavior was not protecting her. It was actually hurting her. The other kids soon realized that she could not be trusted to tell the truth, nor could they trust that she wouldn’t falsely blame them for something that might get them into trouble. My husband and I, the staff at the home, and her teachers at school very quickly learned that we had to thoroughly investigate everything that she told us or the other kids. We learned to be suspicious of her answers to questions. And each time we discovered a lie, it put a bigger distance between this girl and everyone else around her. It also got her into trouble. She would lose every privilege given to the kids at the home, or at school, but still she continued to lie.

Many of us grew up with the need to protect self from harm or obscurity. We learned behaviors that kept us safe in the environment in which we lived as children. It could have been our home, our school, our neighborhood, our extended family or friends, or even our church. We were vulnerable and unprotected in an environment in which we existed. We learned that no one was trustworthy, no one cared, no one was going to protect us. Perhaps we even learned that we were hated and resented. So, self-preservation became necessary. We lied, stole, cheated, gossiped, blamed, escaped, bullied, withdrew, people pleased, mistrusted, walked on eggshells, avoided situations and people, avoided conflict and confrontation, gave our bodies to others, hid behind masks, whatever it took to survive.

I bring this up in our journey of healing because so many of us continue to carry with us the self-preservation behaviors that served us in the unhealthy and unrighteous environment/situation in which we were as a child. Many who continue to operate in their self-preservation find themselves continually going from situation to situation similar to what they experienced as a child. That behavior and belief draws unhealthy people to them, and it leads them to non-consciously seek out unhealthy people and situations. Others work hard at attaining a healthy environment and relationships but find that self-preservation becomes self-sabotage. Yet, they cannot figure out why things are not better for them.

My challenge to you this week is to take inventory of your own beliefs and behaviors. Which ones are born out of a self-preservation that was necessary as a child, but no longer serve you as you seek to be healthy and righteous? What was it in your childhood that convinced you of the need to self-preserve? How is your situation different as an adult or as one no longer in that unhealthy situation? How are your self-preservation behaviors becoming self-sabotage for you? How will you change from living in self-preservation to living whole?

The first and most important thing necessary for change and healing is TRUTH. What is the truth about your behavior? What does truth say about your behavior? What behavior does truth tell us to exhibit in place of that self-preservation? Second most important thing is FAITH. Self-preservation is necessarily born out of fear. Faith is the opposite of fear. Faith means resting in assurance that you have worth, you are seen, you are important to God and His plan, you have purpose, you can trust Him, even if others fail you. You can trust that He will never leave you, never fail you, never reject you, and will always be there doing all for your good. Faith says there is no room here for fear. Faith says I can operate in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. It says I can be who God created me to be and not try to be someone else or hide my real self. I can have boundaries and not allow others to walk over me or dictate how I am to be or live. I can trust the instructions (law) that YHWH gave as truly for my benefit so I may have a healthy life and relationships here on this earth. I can trust that Yeshua really did cover my sin and is preparing a place for me with him in his Kingdom. I can walk in freedom and in the power of the holy Spirit. Faith says I have all I need, and God will provide out of His glorious riches in Yeshua our Messiah! I can face conflict and criticism without feeling shame or doubt in who I am or fear of being rejected. I can accept that I cannot control others and what they think, say, feel, or do. But I can control my own thoughts, feelings, words, and actions. I am a victorious conqueror through Yeshua in whom I can do all things. Truth and faith bring health and healing. Self-preservation and the fear behind it bring dis-ease in mind, body, and spirit. When we are walking in TRUTH and FAITH there is no room or need for self-preservation. HALLELUYAH!!!

May Abba guide you in your challenge this week. Ask Him to point out to you where you are operating in self-preservation. Answer the questions I listed above. Then confess and repent for those areas. Ask Him to also remind you of Truth so you can operate in Faith rather than in self-preservation. Ask Him to work within you that the fruit of the Spirit becomes the more common and automatic behaviors in your life. He will require you to do the work over the next 63 days of replacing lies with truth so that truth becomes the permanent part of your non-conscious and life. He gave you that power, authority, and gift. HalleluYah! Our God is faithful and mighty!

Until next time…

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or imagine, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the assembly and in Yeshua Messiah throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amein.” Ephesians 3:20-21.